I probably shouldn't joke about anti-depressants. I had such an incredibly trying day on Sunday that I could easily see how someone might just slip over that precarious edge of sanity. I didn't reach that point of course, but I felt a shade of crazy for sure. I pretty much knew I wasn't pregnant and almost expected to get my period at any moment. But for some reason, when it happened, it hit me harder than I could have imagined. I broke down in tears immediately and once I started crying, I couldn't stop! I mean, I would feel a bit better and dry it up and think, Whew, glad that's over and then BAM I'd have another meltdown. Lucky for me, I have an incredible wife who somehow makes everything alright. She let me sob for as long as I needed. Then she made me get off the couch, wash my snotty face, then she put me in the car and drove me straight to the beach. It was EXACTLY what I needed.
Things are much better today. I had to jump back into work on Monday and get ready for 5 new students: hermit crabs! (A lovely distraction, actually). When we called to make a new plan with the doc, we were given some bittersweet news. We have to take next month off, but we will get to do another round of the injectables and start them much sooner next time. He wants to give my follies plenty of time to grow so we have a better chance of hitting a target when we shoot again. Soooo, not too thrilled about taking another month off, but feeling pretty excited about getting another go. And May seems like a pretty perfect month to make a baby, if you ask me.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Blah
Started my period yesterday when I was already extremely homesick...
Not a good combination. :(
Not a good combination. :(
Thursday, March 24, 2011
One week down...
It's been a week since Insemination Day and I thought I should report that... there is nothing to report!
Nope. No sore boob, no strange dreams, no funky feeling.
On a sappy note: Yesterday while I was on recess duty, one of my second grade boys was standing around chatting with me. At one point he patted me on the stomach and said, "Ms. P are you ever gonna have a baby in there?" I said, "I'm not sure, Luis, maybe one day." And then he said, "Well, I wish you were my mom." It was so heartfelt and sweet that I immediately got a lump in my throat and couldn't respond. Cutest thing ever. :)
Nope. No sore boob, no strange dreams, no funky feeling.
On a sappy note: Yesterday while I was on recess duty, one of my second grade boys was standing around chatting with me. At one point he patted me on the stomach and said, "Ms. P are you ever gonna have a baby in there?" I said, "I'm not sure, Luis, maybe one day." And then he said, "Well, I wish you were my mom." It was so heartfelt and sweet that I immediately got a lump in my throat and couldn't respond. Cutest thing ever. :)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Pregnancy Symptoms??
Though many women never feel a thing--even weeks AFTER they miss a period--there are a few things some women claim to feel during the Two Week Wait. One of them is sore boobs. Another is having weird baby dreams...
My right boob is sore.
A little.
Ok, barely.
And only the right one.
Last night I had a weird baby dream.
I dreamed I had this baby crocodile for a pet! It was about a foot long and bumpy and cold and green! And the worst part about it was that it would bite! So everywhere I'd go around my house, I'd be searching frantically for the damn thing--afraid it would get me! I got so stressed out, I woke myself up. Now why it never occurred to me to put the thing in some sort of tank with water or something (or to have a damn reptile for a pet in the first place!!!) is beyond me. But, I had the dream, nonetheless.
Now I say all of this facetiously... There is actually no possible way I could be feeling pregnancy symptoms this early on. (It's only been 3 days since the insemination!) Believe it or not, if one of the spermies reached my egg, then the fertilized egg (a.k.a. dividing mass of cells) is still making its long, arduous journey through my fallopian tube. It will still be a few days before it will find a comfy home in my uterus and implant there. That, my friends, is when you are technically preggers.
You're welcome. :)
I made myself a couple of promises.
One, that I wouldn't get too caught up on the Crazy Baby Train--freaking myself out and wondering if every little thing is a sign of pregnancy. We knew going into this round, that the conditions weren't perfect and that it may take a second "go" if the injections were going to work.
And two, that I would keep a sense of humor about it all.
I figure if I can do those two things I just might survive until March 30th: Day of the Pregnancy Blood Test. 12 more days to go....
My right boob is sore.
A little.
Ok, barely.
And only the right one.
Last night I had a weird baby dream.
I dreamed I had this baby crocodile for a pet! It was about a foot long and bumpy and cold and green! And the worst part about it was that it would bite! So everywhere I'd go around my house, I'd be searching frantically for the damn thing--afraid it would get me! I got so stressed out, I woke myself up. Now why it never occurred to me to put the thing in some sort of tank with water or something (or to have a damn reptile for a pet in the first place!!!) is beyond me. But, I had the dream, nonetheless.
Now I say all of this facetiously... There is actually no possible way I could be feeling pregnancy symptoms this early on. (It's only been 3 days since the insemination!) Believe it or not, if one of the spermies reached my egg, then the fertilized egg (a.k.a. dividing mass of cells) is still making its long, arduous journey through my fallopian tube. It will still be a few days before it will find a comfy home in my uterus and implant there. That, my friends, is when you are technically preggers.
You're welcome. :)
I made myself a couple of promises.
One, that I wouldn't get too caught up on the Crazy Baby Train--freaking myself out and wondering if every little thing is a sign of pregnancy. We knew going into this round, that the conditions weren't perfect and that it may take a second "go" if the injections were going to work.
And two, that I would keep a sense of humor about it all.
I figure if I can do those two things I just might survive until March 30th: Day of the Pregnancy Blood Test. 12 more days to go....
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Insemination Day!
Ya know, I just can't stop thinking about something I heard recently: Trust your struggle. When you think about it, life is full of struggles. Some are tougher than others, but being on this planet isn't easy. There are so many obstacles we have to overcome and it's all part of the learning process. So as I trudge through TTC, I've decided to make that my mantra. ;)
(I just re-read this and it sounds like some cheezy advertisement, but I'm keeping it!!!)
When I woke up this morning I noticed that K had tied a huge pink, polka-dotted bow on Little Squirt's tank! I said, "Oh, I see you got someone ready for his big day!" And her reply was, "He's a gift." (That nearly broke my heart it was so sweet).
I buckled him in and we made it to the doc by 7:30. After he did the IUI, we had time to chat. He wasn't as much of a Debbie Downer as the NP was yesterday. In fact, he told us he knew plenty of women who had gotten preggers with follicles like mine. He told us not to lose hope and that our spermies were of "excellent quality"--18-20 million of those little suckers! And though I had this terrible worry that he might say, "There's nothing more I can do for you," instead he said we should definitely give it another go next month if this doesn't work! So, today is a much better day. We plan to keep it chill and be realistic, but we haven't lost hope!
(I just re-read this and it sounds like some cheezy advertisement, but I'm keeping it!!!)
When I woke up this morning I noticed that K had tied a huge pink, polka-dotted bow on Little Squirt's tank! I said, "Oh, I see you got someone ready for his big day!" And her reply was, "He's a gift." (That nearly broke my heart it was so sweet).
I buckled him in and we made it to the doc by 7:30. After he did the IUI, we had time to chat. He wasn't as much of a Debbie Downer as the NP was yesterday. In fact, he told us he knew plenty of women who had gotten preggers with follicles like mine. He told us not to lose hope and that our spermies were of "excellent quality"--18-20 million of those little suckers! And though I had this terrible worry that he might say, "There's nothing more I can do for you," instead he said we should definitely give it another go next month if this doesn't work! So, today is a much better day. We plan to keep it chill and be realistic, but we haven't lost hope!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bummer
Well, things have not worked out the way they were supposed to, unfortunately.
I left another appointment in tears. (Big, dramatic sigh...)
The blood test this morning showed that my estrogen dropped dramatically (300 points) which means that I either already ovulated or would be imminently. When the Nurse Practitioner walked in, the first words out of her mouth were, "I'm sorry." She did the sonogram and found that nothing had changed since yesterday. No new follicles. No new growth. She went ahead and gave me the trigger shot to force ovulation and told me to schedule the insemination for tomorrow morning. She was very clear that it was "unlikely" that I would get pregnant, but said she knew how hard we worked this cycle to just do nothing.
I worry that maybe I missed my window...
But, I must say, I have NO REGRETS. I will NOT look back and wish I would've started this journey sooner. I will NOT pout that I missed my opportunity because I was too busy living my life. I will NOT EVER wish I would have accidentally gotten pregnant when I was an ignorant and reckless 20-something with fertile eggs galore! No. I will not.
But I will hold on to hope because, so far, I haven't heard the words You can not get pregnant. And even though I've been beat down and scraped up, I will push on. My mom said to me today, "If you can imagine it, it will happen. I see this happening for you with all my heart. I am not giving up!" So I cannot give up. Not yet. We will talk to Doc tomorrow about the future plans. And for now, I will sit here and stare at Little Squirt-- sitting nice and snug in his cryo tank--and imagine that those spermies will do their job and it will happen.
I left another appointment in tears. (Big, dramatic sigh...)
The blood test this morning showed that my estrogen dropped dramatically (300 points) which means that I either already ovulated or would be imminently. When the Nurse Practitioner walked in, the first words out of her mouth were, "I'm sorry." She did the sonogram and found that nothing had changed since yesterday. No new follicles. No new growth. She went ahead and gave me the trigger shot to force ovulation and told me to schedule the insemination for tomorrow morning. She was very clear that it was "unlikely" that I would get pregnant, but said she knew how hard we worked this cycle to just do nothing.
I worry that maybe I missed my window...
But, I must say, I have NO REGRETS. I will NOT look back and wish I would've started this journey sooner. I will NOT pout that I missed my opportunity because I was too busy living my life. I will NOT EVER wish I would have accidentally gotten pregnant when I was an ignorant and reckless 20-something with fertile eggs galore! No. I will not.
But I will hold on to hope because, so far, I haven't heard the words You can not get pregnant. And even though I've been beat down and scraped up, I will push on. My mom said to me today, "If you can imagine it, it will happen. I see this happening for you with all my heart. I am not giving up!" So I cannot give up. Not yet. We will talk to Doc tomorrow about the future plans. And for now, I will sit here and stare at Little Squirt-- sitting nice and snug in his cryo tank--and imagine that those spermies will do their job and it will happen.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Cautious Optimism
Today we left the doc's office smiling like little fools! We are trying not to get too uber excited, but it looks as if things are "progressing nicely" with my girly parts. :)
My estrogen came back at 339 (seems incredibly high to me, but what do I know?) and my uterine lining measured at a lovely 8mm. From what I've read, that's pretty perfect. I have four follicles: 2 on each side. The left side (the nasty cyst side) had two really tiny ones. My theory is that the cyst is crowding the poor dears and they don't have much room to grow. But the right side (the happy, healthy side) has two follies that measured 10mm each! Doc would like them to be at 18mm, so he wants us to continue shooting up until Monday. At that point, we will go back for bloodwork and another sonogram and hopefully (and I do say this with the utmost cautiousness!) we will be able to set a date to trigger shot and inseminate!
Thank you thank you thank you for all the good vibes! I could actually FEEL the love today!!!
My estrogen came back at 339 (seems incredibly high to me, but what do I know?) and my uterine lining measured at a lovely 8mm. From what I've read, that's pretty perfect. I have four follicles: 2 on each side. The left side (the nasty cyst side) had two really tiny ones. My theory is that the cyst is crowding the poor dears and they don't have much room to grow. But the right side (the happy, healthy side) has two follies that measured 10mm each! Doc would like them to be at 18mm, so he wants us to continue shooting up until Monday. At that point, we will go back for bloodwork and another sonogram and hopefully (and I do say this with the utmost cautiousness!) we will be able to set a date to trigger shot and inseminate!
Thank you thank you thank you for all the good vibes! I could actually FEEL the love today!!!
Up and at 'em!
Ok, so this is a big appointment day!
I'm off to my 7am blood test at the hospital and then a sonogram at 11:30 to see how things are progressing with my girly parts. Thanks for all your texts and positive thoughts! I'll update later this afternoon and hopefully we'll have some news....
I'm off to my 7am blood test at the hospital and then a sonogram at 11:30 to see how things are progressing with my girly parts. Thanks for all your texts and positive thoughts! I'll update later this afternoon and hopefully we'll have some news....
Monday, March 7, 2011
You can just call me...
...The Shot Queen! (Note of clarification: I've been called the "Shot Nazi" before, but this time we're not talking about the Lemon Drop type of shots)
Kase and I have these injectables down to a science! We gather our supplies. Take everything to the bathroom and shut the door (We just can't bear the thought of Kitty walking in on us--might be a bit traumatic for her). We sanitize everything with alcohol. Pop the caps. Load the syringe with 1mL of saline. Mix the vials one at a time. And ZAP!
As masochistic as this may seem, we get a bit giddy with it! Not because we're injecting me in the stomach with hormones, but I think it's the idea that we're actually DOING something that might make us a baby soon!!!
Yes, my mood is much lighter today--in spite of it being a chaotic Monday!
I had to be at the hospital by 7 to get my blood drawn. Then I had to make it to my OB appointment by 8. After that, I rushed to school in time to relieve my half-day sub. I spent a couple of hours with my kids and then ended my day with a looooong meeting. After cleaning up and prepping for tomorrow, I rushed home so I could call the voicemail and get my new instructions. Doc upped my dosage a half vial (??) for the next 4 nights and then I have another blood test and sonogram on Friday. So, looks like we'll continue on and hopefully get some good news by Friday. Doc says if my follicles look ready, we should be able to make an insemination date soon after! Cross your fingers!!!
Kase and I have these injectables down to a science! We gather our supplies. Take everything to the bathroom and shut the door (We just can't bear the thought of Kitty walking in on us--might be a bit traumatic for her). We sanitize everything with alcohol. Pop the caps. Load the syringe with 1mL of saline. Mix the vials one at a time. And ZAP!
As masochistic as this may seem, we get a bit giddy with it! Not because we're injecting me in the stomach with hormones, but I think it's the idea that we're actually DOING something that might make us a baby soon!!!
Yes, my mood is much lighter today--in spite of it being a chaotic Monday!
I had to be at the hospital by 7 to get my blood drawn. Then I had to make it to my OB appointment by 8. After that, I rushed to school in time to relieve my half-day sub. I spent a couple of hours with my kids and then ended my day with a looooong meeting. After cleaning up and prepping for tomorrow, I rushed home so I could call the voicemail and get my new instructions. Doc upped my dosage a half vial (??) for the next 4 nights and then I have another blood test and sonogram on Friday. So, looks like we'll continue on and hopefully get some good news by Friday. Doc says if my follicles look ready, we should be able to make an insemination date soon after! Cross your fingers!!!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Dumpy Grumps
My sister calls bad moods The Dumpy Grumps. I've had a case of the dumpy grumps for two days now and I can't seem to shake them. Truthfully, there's no real reason why I've been so down. I guess it must be a combination of the meds, my anxiety level and all the "what ifs" that's causing it. No matter how hard I try to stay positive and think happy thoughts, I find myself swimming in this pool of negativity...
You know it's bad when chocolate can't fix it!
Tonight is our 3rd and final night of the injections. I must say, it wasn't as horrible as I expected. In fact, I was quite proud of my bravery!
We picked up the Menopur Friday night--you should've seen the huge bag we carried out of the Pharmacy! (I'm sure we looked like a couple of hypochondriacs stocking up on our drugs!) We were both nervous wrecks when we finally got up the nerve to do it. It really wasn't the actual shot that stressed us out, it was all the preparation involved! We had to sterilize everything, mix the vials, screw on and off the caps and needles and then shoot it in my stomach. As barbaric as it sounds, the needles are actually pretty teeny and don't hurt. Much.
Since last night I've been feeling these little twinges of pain on my left side and I just KNOW it is that effing cyst probably growing out of control. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm so freaked out that I'll go in for my appointment tomorrow and the doc will have to cancel everything! Then I'll have to get surgery and then there will be two more months of big, fat nothing. I honestly don't know what I'll do if that happens. I know I'm not supposed to have these sorts of thoughts and that I need to be positive. But, I just can't help it.
Please send out happy, fertile thoughts for me tomorrow. I need all the good vibes I can get!
You know it's bad when chocolate can't fix it!
Tonight is our 3rd and final night of the injections. I must say, it wasn't as horrible as I expected. In fact, I was quite proud of my bravery!
We picked up the Menopur Friday night--you should've seen the huge bag we carried out of the Pharmacy! (I'm sure we looked like a couple of hypochondriacs stocking up on our drugs!) We were both nervous wrecks when we finally got up the nerve to do it. It really wasn't the actual shot that stressed us out, it was all the preparation involved! We had to sterilize everything, mix the vials, screw on and off the caps and needles and then shoot it in my stomach. As barbaric as it sounds, the needles are actually pretty teeny and don't hurt. Much.
Since last night I've been feeling these little twinges of pain on my left side and I just KNOW it is that effing cyst probably growing out of control. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm so freaked out that I'll go in for my appointment tomorrow and the doc will have to cancel everything! Then I'll have to get surgery and then there will be two more months of big, fat nothing. I honestly don't know what I'll do if that happens. I know I'm not supposed to have these sorts of thoughts and that I need to be positive. But, I just can't help it.
Please send out happy, fertile thoughts for me tomorrow. I need all the good vibes I can get!